I had a thought come to me recently due to texting a friend of mine that is attending the UofU right now. She made me think a little deeper about something I already knew was an issue of mine (This is a personal thing well I find it personal at least) It is something that irritates me IMMENSELY about myself. That thing, issue, or personal defect whatever you choose to call it is that I am a a fairly self centered person.
Here is the kicker I feel super shitty for being this way at all. It really burns me up inside every time I notice it this really is the thought in my head. "You piece of shit what's wrong with you." That pops into my head every time I realize what I'm doing saying or how I'm acting about something. I feel the worst when I do it to friends and it happens frequently luckily I have good friends that for some reason put up with it or just choose not to realize it. (I don't know what they think I just appreciate them for continuing to be my friends) I don't like dwelling on it either it just makes my stomach feel like a pit and it's just a plain terrible feeling to have.
This also just made me think of something that goes hand in hand with being selfish is being an asshole. This picture doesn't fit perfectly I'm not an "Oblivious" asshole I know I am here's a justification moment (Everyone has their own asshole moments and if you don't think you do then you need to pull your head out) I work on this on the daily pretty much have been since I was barely a teen. It usually happens with girls most, which is the worst thing about it cause then you have to suffer through trying to apologize and let them know that your truly sorry (that might sound mean in itself but girls you know that is pretty much how it goes when someone offends you and tries to apologize) Sorry to all those who took offense to that just my opinion on how I see it.
Any-who back to the selfcentered/selfish thing, this is just another thought I had that made me think of me being a selfish person and my personal beliefs. My personal beliefs are to help people, friends, colleagues, and the occasional person I barely know. Here's the conflicting view with that for me. My favorite author is Ayn Rand her books evolve around pretty much one thing objectivism. Basically the teachings objectivism are all about being selfcentered and doing things for the benefits of ones own wellbeing, that is putting it in pretty basic terms I guess. (I could go deeper I choose not to for the readers sake) I love and accept Ayn Rands philosophy on the matter which in turn is a contradiction with my belief of trying to be selfless and help people or be their for people (I see it as a contradiction at least) I guess I just feel that I work can work both of these beliefs into my life and live happily.
(This is supposed to represent harmony in my life of accepting the things which I stated in that last sentence)
Sorry this all may seem a bit scrambled but factor in the time I am doing this at which is two in the morning (just FYI) Back to the point I owe many an apology to many people mostly girls (guys just don'tgive a shit most of the time sorry lady's) There is a reason why this girl initially brought up this flaw of mine. It was because I hurt her by making my intentions un-clear to her when I tried to I just am shitty at wording things so they always come out wrong it's pretty much diariah of the mouth in the worst way. I owe this girl an apology still actually (Readers: You ASSHOLE!) I know I'm working on the wording thing still so I can get it right this time.
This is just really to let people know that if you think the world is a terrible place and the people in it need to change this is to let you know, You need to take a good long look in the mirror because you're no saint yourself and also that people are trying to change their ways and certain flaws they have as a human being.
I end this quoting Michael Jacksons song Man In the Mirror.
"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself then make a change."
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